Greetings Oilites, and welcome to a pre-hump day edition of the Oil. Now I know a lot of you are probably thinking, “but Nick, you never post more than once a month, what gives?” and to you, judgmental reader, I would say….I value you as a person, and appreciate your feedback (I don’t). The truth is, I’m very busy doing very important things, such as being enrolled in a freshmen level biology class at a local satellite campus of a major university. I won’t disclose which university, but I’ll give you a hint: Joe Paterno’s ghost may or may not haunt this particular school’s football field, as well as one classroom in the engineering building that he wandered into by mistake this one time. That’s right, St. Joes.
Now, it’s very important that I pass this class, but between constantly updating my Facebook profile picture to accurately reflect my present mood (pensive), and downloading the new Metallica CD on Kazaa (by download I mean purchase at full retail price, please don’t sue me Lars and use the money to buy more awful artwork), I’ve found it really difficult to buckle down and focus. Thankfully, through the magic of crowd-sourcing, I don’t have to. By simply listening to my peers in class, and taking everything they say as factual, I’ve been able to cut through the fat and gristle of lecture, to get to the succulent meat of scientific truth. Think of it as having 30 teachers instead of one, but only 1 of the teachers is actually a real teacher with a PHD, and the other 29 think its ok to where sweat pants to class. So, without further ado, here are some of the things I’ve learned in Bio 101 class, working under the assumption that everything my classmates say is true.
*All of these exchanges actually took place, I couldn’t make this up, though the names have been changed to protect the innocent
Professor (talking about pine trees dispersing their seeds): So pine trees are uniquely adapted to wildfires, and actually use them in their reproduction. Does anyone know how they do this?
Baby Einstein: Is it because they’re really dry?
BE: Is that why they burn?
Professor: I don’t…..anyone else?
Take Away: Pine trees reproduce by being super dry.
Female Student with Whiny Voice: Well, like, when something bad happens, like the earthquake in Haiti, we all have to band together to get it done, and that’s the only way to help.Professor (lecturing about the evolution of altruism): Does anyone have an idea of why altruism might have evolved as a desirable trait.
P: Right, but from an evolutionary standpoint why would we do that? Its not like Haiti is going to reciprocate.
FSWWV: Well, maybe if something happens here, they will.
Take Away: Haiti owes us one. Also we have to band together to get it done.
Professor (after asking the class to read an article about Charles Darwin for homework): So does anyone have an opinion about the article?
Kid With Hockey Team Hat: I feel that I agree with the article, and the points that the author made.
Take Away: Hockey is awesome, and the author was right about the things he said.
Professor (after five minutes of awkward silence in which no one is able to offer a single thought regarding the Darwin article that was a total of 2 pages long): Come on guys, you can’t give me a single thought you had about this article?
Kid Who Comes in Late Every Day and Smiles Creepily: Do you know what kinds of things Darwin was prescribed. Did he take opium and that kind of stuff?
P: What? Why are you asking me that?
KWCILEDASC: I was just thinking about doctors back then and the things they used to prescribe people. Everyone was doing that stuff back then.
Take Away: Darwin liked to party, and everyone was doing that stuff back then.
Girl with Tiny Head Sitting in Front of Me (talking to other girl): I got put in a group with Amanda and Colleen, God I hate Colleen.
Other Girl: I know right.
GWTHSIFOM: I mean, she’s like five feet tall, what’s that about? She’s a bitch.
Take Away: Colleen is a bitch, and little people are not to be trusted.
There you have it loyal readers, proof that you don’t have to listen to teachers because the real truth bombs are dropped from the mouths of college freshmen. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a biology test to study for in the Quad, and Colleen’s not invited.