If you’re a citizen of the world, a citizen of Philadelphia, or a citizen of the inter-webz, you have probably heard of Occupy Wall Street. This event is an opportunity for all 99%ers in the U.S. to gather in one convenient location so that Wall Street big wigs can spit on them from their ivory towers of stocks and double ply toilet paper. Apparently what U.S. citizens have finally realized is that 1% of our great nation possesses the vast majority of the wealth (someone hasn’t been been DVRing Bravo’s fall lineup). Outraged at this revelation hippies, and fledgling liberals have flocked to Wall Street to play Dave Mathews covers, and sleep in tents until they get their piece of the American pie. Thus far Wall Street is holding out bravely, but how long can their resolve last?
So everyone is up to speed on the Occupy Wall Street movement, but what you might be less familiar with is its bastardized little brother: Occupy Philadelphia. Apparently with both the Phillies and the Eagles choking harder than Andy Reid at an all you can eat buffet (slow down Andy, it’s not going anywhere), middle class Philadelphians have nothing better to do than to join those snobby New York hippies in protesting poverty, not enough jobs, and inequality. Meanwhile the actual poor are baffled that this is considered a new issue. In reality this whole 99% issue is a very real one, and I agree with many of the major complaints being put forward, such as that banks were let off the hook for the housing collapse quicker than Michael was for playing tickle monster at his underage sleepovers; and that was pretty damn quick. That being said I do have a couple of suggestions.
1. To the woman holding the sign reading, “jobs are a right,” no they aren’t. We tried that when the first pilgrims came to America by establishing communal farms where everyone was supposed to lend a hand. Problem was, no one lent a hand, no food was grown, and the Native Americans had to bail us out when winter rolled in on our Puritan asses. For this we rewarded them with one motor car, and smallpox. What no thank you card?
2. For a bunch of liberal earth hugging folks, you sure are making a fucking mess. Freedom of assembly is a great thing, but if the only thing you’re accomplishing is leaving your garbage all over city hall’s doorstep, you’re doing more harm than good.
3. Drum circles have never moved the wheels of change. Period.
4. Holding up signs that read “honk if you support the 99%” makes you look like a bunch of sorority girls at a charity car wash. Honking horns has never led to governmental change. Also it’s driving me nuts at work so stop it, I’m trying to listen to Supertramp.
5. You are going to wake up spooning Ralph the homeless Vietnam vet who tells me the government is planning to replace paper money with walnuts every day on my way to work. Dude has a shit load of walnuts. Seriously, he is the 1% of tree nuts. This one isn’t a complaint so much as a fair warning that if you sleep in tents in the middle of the city, you are going to be violated by vagrants.
So there you have it Oilists, I have officially picked my bone with Occupy Philadelphia. Now before you go protesting my protest of their protest, ask yourself this: “will he care?” No, no he won’t.